Getting to The Bottom of Burnout with Lilly Singh

Getting to The Bottom of Burnout with Lilly Singh

– I swear on e everything
that I hold dear, that when I see the negative comments, which I get every single day, and I read comments ’cause
that’s how I do research. – [Lily] Of course, yeah. – I genuinely sit there and I’m like I feel so bad. It is as foreign to me as to commit murder right now. I’m being dead serious right now. The thought of killing another human is as foreign to me as going to somebody’s
social medial profile, consuming their content and then leaving something negative. – [Jamie] Hello. – Jamie? – [Jamie] Hi, yes. – This is Gary Vaynerchuk, and you’re on with Lily. – [Lily] Hey. – [Jamie] Oh my God, I’m literally gonna, I’m gonna cry. – Crying is good. – Sure cry, cry but speak too. – [Jamie] Okay. Oh my God, I’m gonna cry. Um, okay I’m pulling up my vlog camera. Lilly, hi. – [Lily] HI. – [Jamie] So I am 25 years old, I’m a dancer in Miami. – [Lily] Okay. – [Jamie] I have watched
all of your videos, all of your vlogs, and like you spoke about your depression, like not depression but the
funk that you went through and the break that you took. – [Lily] Yeah. – [Jamie] And I watched
and kind of lived all of that with you because that’s the same exact thing that I’ve been going through. So I’m just, (mumbles) that through your videos you were dealing with burnout. So I’m 25 now and I’ve owned a gym and a dance studio here
in Miami since I was 19. – [Lily] Awesome. – [Jamie] But currently
just feel burnt out. – [Lily] Mm-hmm. – [Jamie] So I guess my question is like how do you overcome that? I just feel stuck, you know what I mean? – [Gary] Yeah, great question. – Yeah, that is a great question. So I took a social media break at the end of last year. And you know there’s a lot of things that helped me, but one thing in particular
that I found so helpful was redefining how I, how I define self care basically. I think previously in my life I used to work so tremendously hard, and so relentlessly hard, as you know. If you’ve
watched all my videos, you know there’s a lot of them. I used to work so tremendously hard, and my idea of a break would be once a year I’d go to a resort and get drunk and eat a lot of food and then go back to my life, and then work relentlessly hard. – [Gary] Sounds amazing. – So that, that does sound amazing, but it’s not sustainable. I
learned that self care is- – Nothing is sustainable. – [Lily] You’re correct. – Let me rephrase it. Like what, keep going, I’m gonna let you finish, ’cause I have one thing to add. – Well what I’ve learned is that for me self care is
small things every day. – [Jamie] Right. – Really it’s about 10 minutes of meditation I do everyday. It’s about writing in my
diary if I feel clouded. It’s about going on a walk if I need to. And that actually makes me work smarter and work better than when I’m working from morning til night nonstop. I actually get a lot more done when I’m a happy, healthy person because I’ve dedicated 20 minutes of my day to just being a human. If that makes any sense. – [Jamie] Absolutely. – Jamie, to add to that, you know, what is not
sustainable is micro tactics. So, you know, I already, already have friends that are on the other side of meditation. Like it’s just an emerging thing and I’ve already gotten hundreds of DMs and texts and emails and conversations around hey, I’ve been doing it for three years, and it’s worn out its value, which is actually where I wanna take this. To the little micro-conversation Lilly and I just had, nothing’s sustainable, wait a minute, yes it is. I think something that you need to give a lot of thought to is
judgment. (laughing) And even by your reaction it excites me. I’m super passionate about judgment. A, the way we judge ourselves, b, the way we allow
other people’s judgements to become a variable in our lives. When I think about the
only sustainable thing that I have in me, and I give a huge shout out to Tom Bellu when he was on my podcast,
and actually giving this to me because I was living it, I just didn’t put words to it. My ability to not judge myself, which then leads me to not judging others, has been the greatest gift of my life, and is the only sustainable thing I have. Through all my twists and turns, my friend, for you to be 25 and already have this much
accomplishment under your belt, I, like- – [Jamie] I’m gonna cry, oh my God I can’t. – I really need you to see this, and it makes me happy that
we’re having this micro-talk. Brother, like listen, like you’re beating yourself up or you’re allowing somebody
else to beat you up when you’ve already-
– [Jamie] Can I add in? – You can add a whole lot. – [Jamie] So I think that you just kind of hit the naiL in
the coffin with me Gary. So like judgment is a really big thing, which is why I’ve always
been attracted to Lily, because she’s never been afraid to be herself, which has gotten her where she is today, it’s amazing. So like I’m here in Miami, I’m a six foot three black man that dances for a living so people come up to me every single day and ask me if I’m an athlete, and then I have to say no, I’m a dancer. And so like even within myself I’m so afraid of my own craft and being judged, and even things like opening
up a YouTube channel, I’ve been so afraid of my own judgment, and then people’s judgment. – Jamie. – [Jamie] (mumbles). – And let’s stay on this because this is gonna be very valuable for, this has the potential
to be very, very valuable for a lot of people, so let’s keep playing the three of us. A couple things, I don’t
know Lily well enough, but I was listening to a couple things. LIly’s serendipity of being an immigrant, to a parent structure
that I’m familiar with, and her having the DNA
from a very young age to fight the system and be comfortable with the ramifications, similar to me, got us into a place where no and being on an island, and not looking for acceptance, but having conviction to
the inner conversation, led us to a lot of practice
by the time we got older. So many of us, maybe you, maybe not, I’m just painting a picture here, so many people don’t
practice from zero to 22 of being comfortable in no. They have their entire
energy to chasing yes. – [Jamie] Absolutely. – To looking for acceptance from others. So what may be hapepnign to
you, when I hear that from you, where I go is like okay awesome, I’m so fucking happy how life works. We’re gonna stick on this moment, we’re not going to the next call because all I want, Jamie,
for you to understand is the following. Other people’s judgment is such a tell to what’s going on in their lives. – It’s also something
you can never control. Like you will never be able to control it. So it’s focusing on what’s
in your control as well. – Jamie, when I look at
people hating other people, and this is not a joke, and this is not the most popular opinion, when I watch other people hate or overly judge, or try to make, hate, you know, I’m not going to racism, I’m even talking about being in a meeting, watching somebody roll their eyes so that person sees it to their idea because they’re trying to impose their sadness within
them on somebody else. Misery loves company is something that I think right now intuitively needs a bigger platform in
conversation in our society because for some reason
I really understand it. And so if you leave this call with nothing other than anybody that
casts judgment on you, that you should employ empathy and sympathy for them because they’re dealing
with their own shit. – [Lily] 100%. – Can really change the
diagram for you, my friend. – I also say that I’ve never met a happy, successful person, that had something unnecessarily mean or bad to say about someone else. ‘Cause I feel like when you’re
in a good place in your life, like I always think
about this when I receive negative comments online, I mean I’ve been doing
it for so many years, but I still, you know people
say you have thick skin, there’ll be a comment or
two that still gets you. – [Gary] Everybody.
– Of course, we’re all human. – [Gary] Everybody. – But I always think about the fact that when I’m in a good place I don’t wake up, and I don’t have the
desire to write mean things about people on the internet. – [Jamie] Absolutely. – So really the type of person that is doing it is
someone that is not happy and not in a good place. So I absolutely agree
with your sentiment, Gary. And it also just goes back to control. For me it’s I know I can
control my reaction to things, I can control my thought process. I’ll never be able to control someone else and what they think of me. – Lily, I swear on everything I hold dear, that when I see the negative comments, which I get every single day, and I read comments ’cause
that’s how I do research. – [Lily] Of course, yeah. – I genuinely sit there and I’m like I feel so bad. It is as foreign to me as
to commit murder right now. I’m being dead serious right now. The thought of killing another human is as foreign to me as going to somebody’s social media profile,
consuming their content, and then leaving something negative. – I completely agree. That’s why I just know that it’s someone that’s not in a good place. – Jamie, listen, let me tell
you something about your youth. One thing I push a lot
is perspective on time. You are gonna live literally
three more full lives. Everything you’ve done
from the day you were born to right now, you’re about
to do three more times. Yeah it is really crazy, especially when you’re ambitious and trying to create something, and being in one of the 10 biggest cities where there’s a lot of action going on. You know, what’s everybody else doing? If you contextualize that, that will help you so much as well. Because let me tell you what I believe. I believe for a lot of us, a lot of us for all different reasons create a framework where we allow outside opinion to have
a disproportionate impact on our lives. A disproportionate. And if we are born into anything that even looks remotely
different than the norm, we immediately are on our back foot. Immigrant, gender, sex, preferences, skin color. And by the way, let me say this, for the small group of white men that aren’t immigrants and born in America, they have their insecurities too ’cause they’re mom tells them they’re to as smart as their brother, not as fast. This human condition is for everyone. For everyone. And so what you need to do off this call, and if you understood the math behind even being the person
that we got to, right? – [Jamie] I’m freaking out (mumbles). – Nakita could have answered it, brought up a great question, and we would have never gotten to you. – [Jamie] Absolutely. – Right? Jamie, you have to understand that what you have to
start doing right now is getting quiet within your own head. – [Jamie] Oh my God, yes. – But, Jamie, let me tell you one part that nobody talks about
that might help you. Part of the equation of getting quiet is also not getting too high when people say that you’re brilliant. – [Jamie] Right. – One of the reasons I’ve
noticed so much insecurity, I’m like wait a minute, they take in that they’re beautiful or they’re fast or they throw the ball hard, or they’re cleaver or they’re good at great, one of the things that, it’s why this is so full circle. Why I think you’re balanced is because you think you’re gonna be the biggest and you think you’re no one. – [Lily] That’s a good point, yes. – I understand that too. And that’s no different
than not getting too high when everyone says you’re great. – I think yeah, I’m a
big believer of this too, and it comes down to not
taking anything personally, whether it’s positive or negative. – [Gary] Correct.
– Because you can’t sit there and be like oh I’m not gonna
take negativity personally but I’m gonna accept all this praise. It really has to be from both ends. You know, when someone comes
up to me, as many people do, and I’m sure Gary you have this a lot. People will come up with you and say you changed my life.
And I always say I didn’t. – [Gary] Every day. – You did, you changed your life. Perhaps I was part of
your world at that moment. – You’re much better than I am. I’m completely, completely the
reason your life is changed. – You are the reason I have a late night
show as well so I agree. But it goes back to just not taking either of those things personally. And I know it sounds kind of absurd because you think you should be taking in positive energy, not negative. But I think you can’t pick and choose. You can’t taking in someone’s word- – [Gary] Hey, Jamie. I’m sorry. – Of you being beautiful and
not the negativity, you know. – Jamie, one other weird little thing. – [Jamie] Absolutely. – I think you should go and volunteer one day
for a retirement home. – [Jamie] Wow, okay. – I’ll tell you why. I feel like people that
are in this position need massive perspective injects, right? We’re having this awesome talk, you’re gonna take the high of this, you’re gonna build a little bit. I’m telling you right now there’s nothing that can help people more than going to somebody
who they don’t know, not your grandparent, and spending a day with
people in their 90’s, and understanding how all the things of people rolling up on
you in the Miami scene and casting judgment means jack shit, and that perspective is everything. You’ve gotta start the process off this phone call to
detachment from judgment, both pro and con. That is the round up. – Also, the last thing
I’m gonna say to you as someone who also dances, anyone that says you’re not an athlete ’cause you dance is
wrong. Dance is so strenuous. – [Jamie] No, of course. – It is amazing. – [Jamie] Of course. – Be proud of that. Be proud of that. As a fellow dancer I just
had to throw that in there. – Jamie, instead of letting you go and having this feel good moment, what have you, I’m just really curious, like what’s running
through your mind right now for real, for real? More importantly, not the good, not the good, but the part that you’re leaving when you hung up here when you’re like yeah, but. I wanna really know what’s in your head as yeah but, Jamie. – [Jamie] So I can say three things? – You can take seven. – [Jamie] ‘Cause these
are the three things that are on my mind. So number one, Lily,
you said that to get out of your funk you do something like take a vacation and you blah, blah, blah. So like I feel even worse because I just did that. So like I’m trying to start a modeling career on top of the fitness business that I’m running in Miami, so I just went to Italy for 10 days. So I cleared my mind on vacation, but then you come back and you’re like oh wait I still got all this to do and I’m gonna figure out
how I’m gonna get it done. So like for me I feel like I’ve done the vacation part. I’ve even packed up all my stuff, moved to a different city because I was just overt
the fitness industry here, and I’ve come and then people support me all the same. So like for me I don’t know
how to get out of the funk because I’ve done the rest part of it, like the rest your mind part. Now it’s just like crap, how do I build a bigger business on top of this. Number two, Gary, you said like quiet and like silence, ah man so like social
media gurus drive me crazy ’cause I watch your videos, Gary, and you say to post, post, post, post content, content, content, and for me that is the hardest thing to do because I’m a personality, but like I hate to post on social media. Like even my social media now- – Jamie, you hate to post on social media because you over value the opinions. You’re not in the mindset of creation, you’re in
a mindset of validation. – And speaking of validation. – [Gary] Hold on, hold on. – I just came up with a thing called disappearing December,
which we’ll talk about. (laughing) – No but really, let’s go
back to that point real quick like literally 99% of people online are in the mindset of validation. The reason I say post, post, post is I want you to be in
a mindset of creation. I want you to do it for you. Jamie, you probably aren’t watching my content enough to know that I reference four times seven times a year that scene from Rocky four where Drago loses to Rocky and he yells at the Soviet Union and all the people in the crowd, and he’s like fuck you guys. This wasn’t America versus the USSR, I was in the ring for me. And that’s like what I wanna inject a little Drago into everybody. I want you to post for you, not for the likes, not for the validation, but for the mindset of creating and leaving your two cents on the world for you. The reason nobody wants to post is it’s become one big game of insecurity. – [Jamie] Of course. That’s true. – [Lily] What’s the third thing? – [Jamie] And then the third thing is like so, Gary, I kind of jumped into you when I was 19 and 20 because I got sponsored by one of the biggest universities
here in Miami, FIU. So they built my very first gym for me at $120,000 at 19 years old. And it was the craziest experience, and like I’ve been dancing
for the past six years and just doing what I love every day, but for me now the
business side is like damn I get burnt out so easily and so quickly when you realize oh crap no one’s paying my bills, I’m the only one doing this, and every move I make is my next paycheck, you know I’m like growing this. So I guess these are all the thoughts that are just like- – I get it. – [Jamie] It’s hard to feel stuck in different areas of your life. – No, this is great. Hey, Jamie, another thing, listen, listen, I talk about self
awareness over everything. That is my biggest religion. Brother, there is nothing wrong with you not being an entrepreneur, an owner of this thing. I have had my family’s livelihood, then I had to start from zero again ’cause I built it for my family. – [Jamie] Right. – I can go on and on, and I’ve never felt a fear of the next paycheck
because I’m in my zone. If I had to read a script. If I had Lily’s job, and I
don’t know how you’re doing it, but if I had to read from
a teleprompter tonight in front of zero people, I would be so fucking scared because I can’t read for shit, and it’s an insecurity of mine. But if I have to go give an impromptu keynote right now in Madison Square Garden in front of 37,000 people and I could talk about my shit, I would moon walk to the Garden right now. (laughing) you like that? You just might not need to be an owner of a gym, which is amazing. And by the way, let’s really play this out ’cause I’m fucking fully
invested at this point. – [Jamie] I appreciate it. Thank you so much. – And let me give you the piece that I think really matters because I think you might
know what I just said. And the part of closing the gym and having your auntie or your best friend or your neighbor, or somebody that looked up to you that’s doing well right now judge you means horseshit too. The amount of people that judge people that are doing from the
sidelines makes me laugh. When you’re judged for closing the gym because you’re deploying self awareness to happiness, and you get a comment of oh see, and maybe you put yourself out there, maybe you made a video three years ago and said I’m gonna crush it
and build the next Skull gym. And maybe you kind of put yourself in that spot, it still doesn’t matter because you’re doing and living. It doesn’t matter what they think of that. – [Jamie] No, for sure. – And just to go back to
your first point Jamie, I wanna emphasize. How you viewed that vacation line is exactly how I used to view it for many, many years of my life. What I highly recommend is that I’m saying you don’t need to do that. I’m saying that take 10
minutes today after this call even just to reflect, meditate, write. If you’re not having fun on the journey it’s like not worth it. And this is someone who’s
worked relentlessly hard, if you’ve watched my vlogs you know this. – [Jamie] I know you have. – I believe in working hard even still, but the thing I believe in most is you have to be happy. – I love this woman so much. I couldn’t believe in this more. Jamie, 99% of people just came back from summer vacation, and the first fucking day back all the things that they thought they got went in the garbage by 9:48 p.m. And so like I really, really, really think that it’s a much more macro thing. This comes down to judgment. If there was nobody else on Earth everybody would be happy. – [Jamie] Amen. – I’m telling you this is a judgment game. This is you worried about
what people are gonna think. Once I got to the final pieces of not even caring what my
own parents thought fully it completely unlocked for me, and I was already ridiculously happy. You can’t let judgment seep in, it is the poison.
– And to that point, you know, you just said the parent side, a lot of times when we let go of those types of ideas, well of course my parents
have to judge me, my friends. When you let go of all, then you get the judgment to yourself. You think oh that makes me
a bad son or a bad daughter. You have to also not judge
yourself in that regard. So it’s just complete lack of judgment. – And let me give you a secret
to all the kids out there who are struggling with not
letting their parents down, ’cause I get that all day long. Gary, you say all, you
put all this pressure on the parenting dynamic. I always say to them, listen, net/net, and this is not a blanket statement, nothing can be a blanket
statement, but I genuinely believe that every kid who decides to do what their parents want them to do versus what they wanna do end up 30 years later, 26 years later, 41 yeas later, in massive underlining
subconscious resentment of their parents. And I would rather kids and parents have a shitty
three to five years then have a life, a life full of resentment and undertones, and all that anxiety. – [Lily] Correct, correct.
– And guess what happens out of that three to five years of bad, somebody ends up being right. And you don’t even need to have right. First of all, take it from two people, parents get real proud
when they’re not sure and then you do it. That’s the ultimate for a parent. And more importantly a lot of times kids lose too. There’s a lot of kids
that told their parents they were gonna be the
biggest rapper in the world, went to L.A. and nine years later are not the biggest rapper in the world, and they come back to Kansas and they get a job in the family business or within the profession or something else, and guess what? Their parents are thrilled they’re back home ’cause they missed them. And guess what else? That next Eminem or next Jay-Z also feels good, or next Megan thee Stallion, they also feel good ’cause
they gave it a fucking shot. And now that they’re a carpenter or a business woman, or whatever the hell they’re doing, they don’t have to live with regret. This is why we have to push this narrative ’cause it will lead to more
happiness for everyone. – [Lily] Agreed. Jamie, how you feeling? – [Jamie] I’m like shaking. I have a like a vlog camera in front of me ’cause I’m like crying and I’m wiping my tears. – Get that thumb nail
boo, get that thumb nail. (laughing) – Jamie, which person
in your life’s opinion do you value the most? Who do you think is really
riding real mindset, like when you think about your life, and you think about when the gym opened, who you called or whose validation do you genuinely believe
you’re anchoring to? – [Jamie] It’s definitely mom. And I think, again, we’re all immigrants, so like I was born in Jamaica and mom is now a doctor. My mom learned very early like Jamie’s not gonna be a doctor. Like I went to school
for acting and dance. Like she immediately picked up on that. So I definitely think it’s her validation even though she’s come to terms with like hey, my kid is a performer, he’s not following my line of work. But, again, I do wanna make her proud. And somehow like hey mom
everything that I’m doing and all this time I’m
wasting in this industry, it’s not for nothing. – Jamie, a couple things on that. And I apologize for not letting you go. – [Jamie] Please. – [Lily] You’re ours now. – You’re doing so much good
for so many people right now, and I’m not gonna let it go even though I feel the stress of my team telling me I’m late
and this and that. (laughing) Jamie, listen to me, we have to change the narrative of the artists or entrepreneurs or athletes or creative people, or anybody who’s willing to have any conviction of their own
happiness for that matter. You’re not wasting your time. We have to put the process on a pedestal, not the results that come with it. – [Lily] Absolutely. – I promise you this, there are a ton of mothers and fathers who are listening right now who are devastated that their kids went through a process of making them proud, they achieved everything, they got the degree, they got the business, they got the money, and now they’re 48 and they just had dinner last week, and they’re completely broken. You can’t put that judgment on yourself. Your mother and every mother and father deep down, even if they don’t realize it, they’re number one proud moment is if their child is happy. If their child had enough conviction to make themselves happy. If you can get happy
about the process of this versus whatever results this gym does, you will be in a much better happy place. – [Jamie] Yes sir, yes ma’am, agreed. – Where does your mom
sit currently on this? Like she’s scared and worried, disappointed, pumped? – [Jamie] No, so like you, and again I’ll make it fast ’cause, so I basically already
went through the process of closing the gym because I
knew that it wasn’t gonna work. I moved away, I came back. And now what I’ve done is like infiltrated in other gyms so that I’m
not paying a huge overhead. – Smart, smart. – [Jamie] And taking all my classes there. So mom was really proud because I’m running things and I have more time on my hands. So mom is proud. Mom just wants to see me reach the level that she knows I can. – Yeah, but you know what, you and mom have to have
a conversation about that because that’s an arbitrary number. That’s a fake thing. That’s like Baner media when people are like your
creative needs to be better. I’m like no, no your
judgment on this video is the king and queen. Like you have to have a, I’m telling you, Jaime, you have to have a conversation
with your mom about that. Reaching your full potential, or what you’re capable of, has to be on your happiness. Right now you’re nowhere on that. I don’t give a fuck how many classes you’re doing at 97 gyms and your profit margins better. It needs to be on being happy about your day to day. – [Jamie] Amen, agreed. Yes sir. – You know. – But I mean it also sounds like, compared to a lot of situations other people are in, having a mom in this position is great. – [Gary] It’s fucking amazing. – It’s amazing. So I feel like you have all the pieces to make things pop off here. I agree, have that conversation and don’t do the but after
this as Gary mentioned. – Jamie, the key is knowing how to quantify ambition
so it doesn’t manifest in your own personal judgment and anxiety. I’m so uncomfortably ambitious, but I got lucky and circumstantial to put it into a place
that doesn’t cast judgment. You know in a world where I’ve been very successful business wise in the last 20 years, but between the partnership with my dad and the partnership with my brother, I have nowhere close to the
personal finances needed to achieve my professional goals of buying the New York Jets. At 43 years old I sit
here cool as cucumber. So imagine why I push patience and lack of judgment on 25 year olds. – [Jamie] Absolutely, absolutely sir. – Don’t, listen please
change behavior past this. Please take this phone call as a moment in your life
to change your behavior and recalibrate the conversation. The ambition needs to be waking up happy, not anything else. – [Jamie] Absolutely.

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  1. Love all the free information you give to your fans Gary! Nothing but positive vibes! Keep crushing it at whatever your doing guys! 👍👌

  2. A big percentage of people leaving their job is because the work environment does not suit them. It is always important to have a good working environment and a good working relationship with your superiors. Thanks for that awesome video Garry.

  3. Awesome lit 🔥 its 4:00 night I believe your experience and knowledge is more important then my sleep your content so rich even at the middle iam pumped up and don't get sleep and understanding the meaning and applying 🔥🔥🔥🔥garyvee the badass mkf***r 🔥🔥you dont know how much perspective you have gave about life like no buddy gave *****you are truly awesome love you my man🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

  4. Sometimes when people judge you, they discuss it and become a bully gang against you. That’s why people’s opinions matter cuz you can’t live in isolation

  5. Half the stuff you say is mad crazy but I think the same way lmao! Love it man, I feel it all the way. Keep preaching that positivity!!🙌

  6. Thought this was actually going to be about burnout… Working 15hr days, making 1% type money but burned out from the day to day.

  7. Detaching from praise and approval as well as all this negative stuff is something I've never thought of but looking at my experiences I do get too high off of good things and explains why I switch from almost depressed to the happiest motherfucker and vise versa so quickly. So this is something I'm definitely going to implement in my life.

  8. The older you get the less you care about the opinions of others. It really changed at 40 for me and I can only imagine it will get better at 50 then 60. My problem with burnout is working so incredibly hard but not getting the return that I was expecting of myself by now. 2.5 years in my cardio fitness business and it's not where I was hoping it would be at this point. Owning a cardio fitness business has the aspect of physical burnout on top of regular burnout.

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