https://brewstew.com When I was 20 years old,
I got a job at the Toys“R”Us *Pop* And I hated every goddamn minute I had to work there Because nobody wanted me
selling them toys, okay? It’s just weird! I’m an adult, they’re an adult What the fuck do they know about toys?
What the hell do I know about toys? “Yeah, I don’t know, these kids just really love these
Don Cheadle dolls, they can’t get enough of them!” “Why, you could probably lure a kid into an unmarked
van and he wouldn’t even think twice about it!” “Your name could be Rapey McRaperson
and they wouldn’t even give a shit!” *Ahem* “And.. plus they’re on sale too, so yeah” Customers would come up to me and ask me,
where certain toys were on the store I didn’t have a clue, so I’d just make something up “Excuse me, where are your footballs at?” “Uuhh.. I think they’re in aisle 12B!” “Where are your bathrooms at?” “Bathrooms? They’re in 12B!” “Is your parking lot around here somewhere?” “That would be an aisle 12B, sir!” “Thank you” “Hey.. uhh.. You know
we don’t have an aisle 12B, right?” “Yeah, fuck, I’ll never figure it out!” So they’d mostly keep me in the back With other social outcasts Keep me away from the customers I’d just be building Power Wheels
and kids’ bikes all day long If you want a shitty bike, you have me make it! ‘Cause I’m an idiot, I can’t put together shit! I have no idea, what I’m doing! If a goddamn lightbulb goes out
in my house, I’m like, “Oh, shit!” “Looks like I’m getting a new lamp!
This will take weeks to repair!” I get done with a bike, and there’d be
all these pieces left over in the box Like, “What the hell?” “Uh, I guess it’ll be alright” *Snap* *Tires squealing, crash* But they would also use me
whenever a ladder needed to be climbed To get something off a shelf Some customer would find
the heaviest thing we have in the store And make sure it was on top of fucking..
Mount McKinley! “Hey, can you get that box down?” “Oh, what box? That one up there, that looks
like a little fuckin’ dot in a goddamn stratosphere?” “Yeah, sure, I’ll get my Evel Knievel ass
up there and get it down for ya!” So I go and get the ladder And by the time I get back,
a small crowd of people have gathered Like I’m some kind of fuckin’ circus show “Okay, for my next trick
I’m gonna climb this 30-foot ladder” “And try to get this 250-pound swing set
down without breaking my neck!” So I start making my way up And the ladder starting to feel like
it’s made out of fuckin’ popsicle sticks! I start wondering “Man, I wonder how many people down there
just wanna see me beef it off this ladder” Which is a stupid thought really, because.. Everybody down there
wanted to see me beef it off the ladder! My legs are shaking uncontrollably There’s clearly poop already in the seat of my pants “Oh, screw this shit!
I’m not a goddamn Daredevil for Christ’s sake!” “Uhm.. you want me to get it?” And eventually, you do get the big-ass thing down And you’ll wheel it out
in the parking lot for the customer And he’s got the smallest fucking car
you’ve ever seen in your life He’s over there like, “Oh, okay, let me just put the seat down real quick” I’m like, “Come on, dude, really?” “Are you serious? Your fuckin’ car
looks like a goddamn Monopoly token” “Hell, it’d be easier to fit
your goddamn car in the goddamn swing set box!” But luckily, I didn’t have to work there for too long It was just a seasonal position,
so once Christmas came and went, I was done They came up to me and were like, “Heeey, Merry Christmas!
You’re fuckin’ fired, get out of here! Shooing me off with a goddamn broom,
which I didn’t really care I mean, shit, they were lucky to still be
in busiess with my dumbass working there “Excuse me..” “Yeah, we bought a bike from here
and my daughter crashed into a tree..” “.. and she exploded on impact” “Who should we talk to about that?” “Uuuhh.. I have no idea, dude, I don’t work here” “Oh.. Okay..” “Oh, wait, wait, wait! I’m sorry!
Aisle 12B, go to aisle 12B!”